Las Cruces is becoming more like home every day. I think a large part of it is the amazing friends that I have made here. There is a multitude of good memories here now, and everything is becoming so familiar to me. Not to mention that Hatch green chile is the greatest ever.

Today my Wreck This Journal choice of tasks was first the page that says chew on this. I figured that I had better do it first before everything gets all dirty. After some bite marks were placed, my next choice was the page with the directions: tie a string to the journal, go for a walk, drag it. I have been dragging it around with me all day on campus, and it has elicited some very interesting reactions. It's been so very entertaining to watch everyone that was watching me. People were asking me if I knew that I was dragging a book behind me. My favorite so far was the construction worker who was so appalled that he had to ask me why I was doing what I was doing. I just told him that the book was for destroying, and that is what it said to do. There have been a lot of curious people today to say the least. Another interesting set of reactions were those from my professors in my department. They know and recognize me, and I think that they know that I am not a mad woman. They might have questioned it a bit today though. I look forward to the future tasks.

Today I learned that I aced the second quiz in stats. It is an interesting feeling to realize that I am finally starting to understand this other language that is statistics. It will be scary when we leave the review sections and start learning new material. I find it funny that it will be the statistics classes that will get me a job in the industry rather than the horticulture classes.

Last week my Hort 100 students took a tour of the Chile Pepper Institute (which is about a half acre of various chile varieties). Some of my students were brave enough, or stupid enough, to taste the hottest chile in the world. As a comparison, habenero peppers are about 300,000 skoville units of heat. The next hottest and the hottest chile, bhut jolokia, is more than a million skoville units of heat. It also has a delayed heat, so some people will tell themselves that it wasn't that bad and take another bite before the first bite has really kicked in. Bad idea! Although I am getting more used to the spicy flavors of food here, I don't want to put myself through that pain just to say that I did.

Some days I feel very behind everyone else. I know that it's not fair to me to compare myself to others. I should be comparing myself to myself, and noting the progress. However, there are those days when I just don't want to, when it feels easier or more fun to just complain and bemoan about my life. Truth is, that I don't have any reason to complain. It's up to me to decide to be happy in my moment. There will most likely be a time in my life when I look back upon these moments with envy, thinking of the opportunities and freedoms available to me.

I was so very excited to get Wreck This Journal that I thought I could hardly wait for it to come. Then I got it and wrote the date in it, 8/28/09, and haven't done a thing with it but carry it everywhere with me - until today. I finally put in a fruit sticker. I've concluded that I must be either a perfectionist or afraid to do things wrong (or both!). Well, today I am jumping in. Enough holding back. I already know consciously that if I break something the world will go on. I already know that for some things there is no 'wrong' way to do them. Yet somewhere underneath it all I hesitate. What if I don't do it in my own signature way? What if, what if?? Today I am letting that bit of edginess that I am feeling take over the hesitancy. I feel anger for no apparent reason, and so I think that I will take it out on the book. It will absorb my emotions for me. My daily therapy. The spine will be cracked. Scribbling will occur. Pages will be bent. Pages will be burnt, and some will go missing. Sticky things will find their way between the pages. At some point it will fly through the air with blind madness and from great heights. And after it all I will still be me, and the journal will be a product of my own brand of creative destruction. There will be no scars for life from this experience, but perhaps quite the opposite might happen. I might just discover things about myself that I never knew before. I might just find a bit more freedom to live life every day.

I am loving my new apartment. With a few exceptions. #1. It smells. The smell is a mix of new carpet (yeah, new carpet!) and some kind of formaldehyde bug killer emanating from under the kitchen sink that was left over from before we moved in. This is related to #2. Roaches. UGH! I do not like large bugs that run fast and could possibly be crawling on me in the middle of the night. I have had way too many roach chasing adventures already. This is another reason that I am glad that I don't eat hardly any boxed foods. I hate to think of bugs getting into my food.

I am asking myself, what does it take to realize that happiness is something that comes from ourselves and not from without ourselves? Do you just have to think about it a lot? Is it just a matter or trial and error, realizing that time after time it doesn't come from those worldly things? Sometimes I just want to force myself or the people around me to get it already!

I have decided to take up an occasional run. I went running last week, and I have decided to go running more often. I like running down the canal bank and to the cemetery, around the cemetery inner parameters and back down the other side of the canal bank to my apartment. I like this trail because I don’t have to run in any super public places where people can see me running from their cars. It makes me a little bit sad that I am moving, because it will be difficult to find a better running route than this – at least that is what I am thinking. Perhaps there is a gem of a trail out there waiting to be discovered near wherever it is that I end up living for the next six to sixteen months.

I like running in the cemetery because it is quiet, it has interesting things to look at, it has shrubbery and green things, and because there is not usually anyone there. So imagine my surprise this morning when I get to the gate of the cemetery and read the sign that is posted there: Las Cruces Shrine Club, Shrine Circus. Shrine Circus!?! A circus is the last place that I want to go running at! In my minds eye I imagine that a circus is loud, entertaining, and bustling with people. Now yes, to a person like me a cemetery can be very entertaining (Why does that guy’s headstone say “toast” on the back?), but I don’t imagine bustling and noisy at a cemetery. And what of the shrine? I saw one thing that I thought could qualify as a shrine, but it was no circus.

On another note, today is the first day of classes. I have no classes today. I am sitting in my office pretending to be busy because I don't want to start working on the data from the summer yet. This is the last time that I am buying any school supplies for myself. I think. It is a weird feeling. Even so, I think that I will continue to buy tablets and pens, because I love tablets. If I see a smaller cute one or something unique, I just can't help myself but want it. I bought too many tablets today simply because I was explaining to myself why I needed them all. I carry around too many things as it is. I really really want some notepads from Knock Knock, but I restrained myself from getting them. Kudos to me!

I am (hopefully) going to be moving to a new apartment this weekend. I find it hilarious that it is on Mormon Drive.

Do you ever look back on an event in your life and remember that while you were in it you said, "Why, why, why is this happening to me?," and then later on realize exactly what that event brought to you? I can see it now. I can see the amazing growth in myself from the hardest events of my life. I am such a different person than I used to be. There have been drastic changes from as early as even a year ago. Thank goodness I am not that person that I see when I read over old journal entries. As I reflect, I am left wondering what the latest events have in store for me.

Happiness is a choice.

I am a big fan of choices. I may have a hard time choosing sometimes, but I really hate it when I am not given a choice (even if it's the right one that I am forced to). It also bothers me when people don't respect other peoples right to choose. You have that right, why shouldn't everyone else?

There are seemingly infinite choices before me now. Anything could happen, and what will I choose?

Random

* I got my first real haircut yesterday. I never thought that I would have bangs again after my "Charlie Girl" attempt in fifth grade. Ugh, I try not to remember that one.

* It feels so great to be able to fix my own car! Thank you Dad.

* It is amazing when you find a song that you can listen to over and over and completely relate to, but it is that much better when you discover an entire album of gems.

* I can remember the exact moment when my heart opened to the beauty of Las Cruces. It is hot here, and I may not want to stay in this city forever, but it is a great place.

* Even with all the bad lately, I know that something good is coming. I don't know what it is - but it's going to be so great that I can't even imagine it.

* I am remembering that I learned a while ago that it is possible to lie to yourself and not realize it. Now I am scrutinizing myself, looking for the signs of the bad liar that I know I am. Do second chances really exist or am I fabricating it just to make myself feel better?

* I am really bad at surprising people. I get ideas and then can't keep them to myself. I had a good one in the making recently, and I was doing so good at keeping the lid on it. Sadly, due to things beyond my power, I will not get the chance to see it through.

* Sometimes I am tempted to fork over the cash to buy Uncorked, a little known movie that is one of my favorites. Now is one of those times.

* The letter L on my keyboard has decided not to work unless I punch it. Times like these I think again about getting a Mac.

* I have amazing friends!

* I am excited that Tommy is going to be in Albuquerque. As a part of my decision to do more 'planned spontaneity' (that makes sense but makes no sense at the same time), I am figuring out a way to go to the concert. He always puts on a great show. I'll never forget my amazement at his talent when I first saw him perform in Logan. It blew me away, and I didn't even think I liked guitar music then. It was a ridiculous attempt at trying to find common ground in a relationship that was failing. I knew that. However, the music really did win me over, and eventually it really did form into common ground with that person.

* I've discovered an amazing restaurant - that I can eat at. Often times I feel disappointed after going out to eat. It is a let down to realize that I could have made a better meal than the one that is brought to me. With my dietary restrictions it is also very difficult to find more than two or three things on any given menu that I can actually have without getting sick later. However, at this restaurant I have almost the entire menu to choose from. On top of that, I could even have their dessert without feeling the least bit guilty. Yeah for Thai food! Yeah for hole-in-the-wall local eateries! I will be returning.